Guilt. It’s something that sneaks up at me at times and pounces, leaving me to question what on earth I’m doing with a 14-month-old and one on the way. Especially when it comes to breastfeeding.
I tried weaning Abby because, well, I couldn’t take it anymore. Having her breastfeed even just before naps and bedtime can bring out the very worst in me. So after night weaning, I weaned her during the day. Then before naps and bedtime. Or so I thought.
She has nursed twice while “weaned.” And that was fine. In fact, I felt so guilty over having weaned her completely so early that I thought about letting her nurse more often. This week, she has decided that she needs to nurse before naps. And bedtime. While I’m okay with the occasional nursing sessions, the every. single. day. bit drives me up the wall. I’m realizing that if I want to be a mostly level-headed Mama for her, I need my space right now. But the guilt I feel when she looks up at me and begs for Mama’s milk still makes me wonder if I’m doing what’s best for both of us.
From my small realm of experience, I’m pretty sure that guilt is one of those things that keeps us on our toes. It definitely does make us look hard at the things we’re questioning and either learn from those experiences or realize that what we’re doing really is necessary. Even when it’s tough.