I blogged Thursday about meeting everyone’s needs when you have a breastfeeding baby and older children. But what about meeting our needs? The moms?
I’m making a confession. I am struggling. I’m not sure what to call it yet, but I am exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally spent. I am on a downward spiral, getting close to the guilt-ridden ‘D’ word – depression.
It’s hard to admit.
I want the world to think I have it all together. I want to be one of those moms. The ones that execute beautiful homeschool lesson plans every day, grow their own food, bake meals from scratch, keep the house spotless, have obedient, happy children, and manage to look gorgeous while doing it.
The reality is that I am currently struggling with our homeschooling direction. The thought of even simple lesson planning makes me tear up and my throat feel tight with anxiety.
I don’t want to admit on Twitter what kind of food I often feed my kids.
My house is in such disorder I want to scream most days, and if anyone is going to stop by it throws me into a panic.
My children seem to ignore every word I say.
I’m doing good if I get a shower, much less look presentable.
The reality is that I have had more than one breakdown this month. I feel like I am drowning, and I don’t know how to come up for air.
I’ve been in similar places before, and I know from experience it’s hard to take even one step towards improvement. I tend to just shut down. I am going to fail at everything anyway, so why bother.
But I know that not moving will just lead me further into this downward spiral I’m currently on, so I’m going to try to do something. I’m trying to keep my goals simple:
I’ve been honest with a few of my close friends, and now with you in this post. Just putting it out there and admitting where I am is a start.
When I get in this spiral, I tend to pull back emotionally from everyone, even those I love the most, like my children. I want to make the choice to say yes to them whenever possible. To smile at them. To look in their eyes and remember who they are and how much I love them.
I’m going to try implementing a written schedule for myself. I’m hoping that having things on paper will help me to actually do them, but I’m not sure. I do know that what I’m doing now isn’t working.
I need to remember to eat, both physically and spiritually. It’s very easy for me to get busy fixing the kids’ breakfasts, then worry about getting ready for our day, and not take the time to feed myself. Then I feel awful by lunch time, but I am normally the last one to eat then too because I am again trying to get everyone else fed. So I’m going to commit to eating breakfast each morning, whether I feel like it or think I have the time or not.
I need spiritual food even more than I need physical food, and sadly that is something I am guilty of pushing even further down on my priority list. I’m going to try to spend time in the Word every day, even if it’s just a verse or two.